Some say, it takes a drastic event for a person to change. Well, I guess today’s such a day for me. Let’s backtrack a little. I’ve got a screwed up car. I call it, the Silver Arrow, or in my moments of anger, the French Bitch. Its kind of like dating a typical rich blood sucking girl - you get a hot babe to show around your friends, she’s hot on the bed and such, but she’s freakin’ temperamental and everytime her period comes in I’ve got to spend a whole lot of money just to get her back on the bed again. Bah, who says you need a girlfriend to get poor? My car does it better than any girl out there.

Kind of redefines the meaning of a lonely driver I guess.

Anyway, my car’s recent repair bills are 1.9k and counting. Going up to 2k I believe. The total spent on that car, is almost 7-8k now. I’m afraid to keep track actually. To add salt to injury, last saturday I rolled at least 1.3k on my card. First time I’ve ever rolled such insane amount! That’s for the clubbing nights, which I have to split the bill to save my ass, so the final tally should end up around 500-600. But that’s still a huge amount, and I don’t think I can pay back all the debts to my dad before the end of year arrives.

That’s why I need to do a lot of out-source works just to pay my bills! Damn, wished I earned 6k a month!

But well, financial problems are caused by idiotic spending. And that’s where I need to change. You see, the screwed up part about me is that I have no idea when to stop. I give in easily to temptation, and while I have stronger willpower than the typical impulsive shoppers, I don’t keep track of my spendings, which those with experience know, will tally up to a negative number by the end of the money when I check my bank account.

Here’s what I need to do - CHANGE.

Yeah, that means, focusing more on my work, getting money, and generally caring less for people. Sounds funny? It isn’t. Sometimes I spend too much time pleasing people who won’t be there for me in my times of need. So I guess it is time to keep my circle of friends small and manageable, keep those that I know I can trust and lean on, and stop caring too much for those who aren’t worth my time.

I’ve changed huh? I guess so. A friend once told me about himself - he left behind a lot of people to get to where he is right now - successful career wise, and financially secure. Should I follow his footsteps? I am 23 now, and still depending on my dad to bail me out of financial crisis. How pathetic is that?

Yeah, tonight shall be the first day of change. To fix my life, to climb that ladder, and get to the top. And I’ll update everyday in this blog to document my progress, to bare out my life so that I know there will be people watching my every step so that I won’t slack off.

Time to live by a code of honor and fight to stay away from being a sloth.

Yesterday was a good start. Finished a task item in office satisfactorily, and wrapped it up by 6pm to head home. The road was clear yesterday, due to the holiday Selangor announced. It’s one of those rare jam-free moments that gets you back home awake and refreshed, instead of reading to bunk any moment.

Met a client yesterday, worked out a deal with their website, and they were asking me to maintain their website every week, which means I get paid every week to maintain their stuff. Let’s say I charge them 1.3k for the website and initial setup, then 10 for every car updated, up to a maximum of 250 per month, I’ll be getting a lot of extra cash this way. Gotta work out the details with Alex though, because this might invade into his sales turf, hurting sales between that company and Motortrader, where he works in.

I’ve got a summon yet to settle. Hope Alex’s runner is doing a good job - or else I’d be expecting two policemen to show up in my house with an arrest warrent!

Alright I guess that’s all for now. I’m motivated! Go go go!

Again, I’ve been extremely productive yesterday. Very happy about it. But last night I had insomnia attack Could not sleep at around 12, and I began to get restless. Then I finally gave up at 1am, and decided to do the right thing - call my kai mui to kacau her.

Turns out she is chatting with my dear pal - my niece-who-is-older-than-me-in-age, about some secret. So being the sampat person that I am (I call it inquisitive), I quickly called niece and prodded her about it. Being my tai sek niece, she told me about it, and that conversation lasted until 2.30am.

So now you know why am I so woozy this morning! I am practically dozing off the whole day if not for the existence of my boss around the office. Well, this mean I am not productive today, did some small polishing to my brainchild flash widget, but could have done more. However, I did paved a lot of foundation, and tomorrow if I have enough sleep I would be able to do more with less effort.

See? I always pave roads for a better tomorrow

Tonight I’m gonna meet up a client to tell him that his website would cost an arm and a leg. Then I’ll try to convince him that he can buy back that arm and leg later when his company becomes much bigger and have an extremely good image thanks to my attention to detail and uber web design skills. Just kidding. But tonight I gotta show some storyboard sketches - hope he understands what I’m talking about!

The thing about me is that I tend to put passion in the wrong places. Like this flash widget - I am spending a lot of time playing around with it, making sure it is polished and working well. Even added a few little animations that while are small and subtle, does wonders to make the widget look professional. Even though I know full well that once I pass it up, nobody will notice those enhancements and the attention and effort behind it! But I strongly believe this attitude is good when it comes to building a website, which is a very user-centric thing. People will come and use it, and if it isn’t polished, it will severely damage the company’s image, and in turn, hurt my potential client list when that company decide not to introduce more clients to me.

But well, wish me luck on tonight’s deal, and once it is through, I would have solved 1/3 of my financial burdens now!

It’s been a few days since I’ve updated my post. First signs of complacency? Mental note: Update more frequently.

I must admit it, I haven’t been setting up a good plan lately. Here’s what I need to do:

1) Bulk up

2) Earn money

Those are two simple goals, and if I can’t do it, I’m nothing more than a worthless piece of shit. Simple as that. Gotta hit those targets baby!

Speaking about shit, I was in my friend, Kelly’s house just now. And guess what? I helped her fix her computer, and in return… she gave me pleasure. Not the kind of carnal pleasure, of course; she treated me to a mask and a few strange liquids that make my face feel oily but smooth right now. I feel like a catfish actually, minus the whiskers. Two lessons learnt here - I look stupid in a green mask, and toner is dabbed onto the face, not wiped. At first it feels like having shit wiped onto your face, except this shit smells fresh. Not the smelly kind of fresh, but actually quite nice. Ah well, I kind of like it.

Talked to my first ex today, and it was dissapointing. I was telling her about the lack of a friend that could be supportive when I am down, and critical when I’m riding high on success fumes, and then she said I’m whining. She must have said so because she knows I have tons of friends, but baby, quality is what I’m looking for. Ah well, she has her point too, and perhaps I’m the one who’s not seeing things in perspective. Doesn’t matter.

That’s all for now, damn sleepy, gotta get some rest!

Sigh, finally got online in my office. Lately streamyx’s been forbidding me to go online, and I just can’t call their technical support. Go die lar streamyx.

I am a general without an army.

In life, sometimes you realize that you can do much more than anybody else in the world, but yet at the same time you realize that in order to achieve that you need help of others. Yes, even when you believe that the whole world is your oyster, you still need an army to wield. That is what I lack - an army for me to wield.

I am very dissapointed with my own website, mainly because I simply do not have that much time to spend on it. Much less is my enthusiasm, which have dwindled after countless let downs by the very ones who swore they would fight by my side but lagged behind instead. Imagine going into a battlefield, against an impossible array of enemy, then finding a sneak route in which properly taken, would achieve a huge tactical victory, but when you attempt to plan and strike, you realize that you have men who would not buldge, people who are afraid to commit, people who say they will but could not live up to their words. Worse, you find yourself hampered by the strange command structure, in which five people held equal power, and nobody wants to take charge.

Then you decide, fuck that, I’m going in alone. You raise from the ditches, run in and score a massive victory upon the first few minutes. You gave your men some inspiration and courage, and they too joined in the fight, and soon the tactical victory is yours. Then you tell them that you will need to take the second objective, but the men refused to move out, being satisfied of the little victory in that previous skirmish.

You know that the second objective is a much larger one, and alone it will be extremely tough for you to accomplish the mission.

Back to square one.

It is sad that the only people I can trust to do the work properly are the moderators themselves, who won’t even benefit at all if my website starts generating revenue. Sad sad irony.

I don’t know how to continue this war. I can only load up, and charge, and hope that the men behind me will do as I do. I go in alone, and stop thinking about getting help. Maybe if I stop asking for help, I’ll finally receive some.

Maybe.

During my time with my first girlfriend, things had been rough. We were cool in the beginning, hugs and kisses and all that, but halfway through she began to talk less and got easily pissed at whatever I do, for all sorts of reasons. Worse, she wouldn’t talk to me about it, didn’t even attempted to talk it over. Like all humans, we choose to run away from the problems rather than facing them straight in the face and working it out.

As a result, she thought that I was seeing other girls and I thought she didn’t think I was good enough for her, and I only got to know that after 2 years of being friends again.

Why do we keep our problems inside our heart knowing that one day it will come back and haunt us? Why is it so hard to work things out in a relationship, to even talk about it face to face like a proper adult?

I thought I would have learnt my lesson and learnt how to steer clear away from such situations.

Boy I was wrong.

My current relationship has sunken to this level. It is heart wrenching indeed - she wanted to find somebody to replace her ex-bf who ditched her and ran to another country. I was the rebound guy, but that was not my primary concern. I sincerely believed that I could treat her well, better than any other man could, although that was a delusion that I tried to keep.

But I am NOT her ex. No question about that. When things happen in a relationship, I try to work it out. She can’t. For some reasons she choose the same path my first ex did - run away and pretend it never happened.

The most gut wrenching moment was during this morning. While fetching her to work, I asked her “do you hate me?” The answer? Silence. That was even worse than answering yes! My heart was broken at that moment, and I did not know what to do anymore. Do I break off the relationship? I can’t, not until she tell me straight in my face that I’m not good enough, scram.

Am I that bad? For some reasons I always end up falling for girls who think I aint good enough for them. Am I that bad?

But I still want to hear her say it, at least a verbal confirmation instead of having me make assumptions, even when the assumptions pretty much don’t have any doubtable qualities.

History repeats, don’t it? Do we actually learn from mistakes? Do life change the moment we learn our mistakes? Or will it persistently submit us again and again to the same fate that we desperately tried to climb out of just to see how foolish we are?

God plays dice huh?

It’s been pretty much a one-sided relationship ever since I moved in to stay with her. Perhaps it is me that is the problem, and if I am the problem in the relationship, then I guess there is only one way to solve it. Leave.

I guess for now the greatest pain is that I ran out of tears already. I want to cry but I’m out of boo-woo gas. In times like this, I learnt a golden rule: always have the guitar ready, sing your heart out, and fuck whatever your neighbour says.

1. setAttribute don’t work in IE7